Anxiety Like No Other

Remember when I said I was going to get a mall retail job if I wasn't in NYC by Feb 18th? I interviewed at Burlington Coat Factory on Valentines day, and after a good interview, she basically told me "We only hire 1 out of 10 people I interview, and checking your references will take the longest. You could hear from us in as little as four days, or up to a month." - I left feeling less than enthusiastic and optomisitic.

Well, they called me and ended up starting me *on* the 18th. So for whatever reason, that was an excellent deadline. I've been there about two weeks, it's minimum wage, I don't love it but I also have nothing to complain about. Money is money. 

This, unfortunately, puts me in the Binghamton area longer than I'd anticipated. I figure I'm going to stay long enough to save money through this job, and as the Spring starts, my photo seasons pick up again, both working for myself and my freelance gigs through Park Studio. Might as well find somewhere else to be settled for a bit? because 'home' just doesn't feel right anymore. Swayze feels like a burden and I haven't felt "at home" since graduation.

Therefore, there are plans on the horizon to move out of the house by April at the earliest, May at the latest. My hopes are painfully high for the situation Casey and I just got ourselves signed up for. I'm so so nervous. My anxiety is through the roof, for various reasons including but not limited to: can I afford it, how do I decorate, how do I afford to decorate, can I cope with staying in an area I'm not really happy in, and above all: what if the landlord decides to rent to anyone but us?

The house we looked at is perfect. Obviously I'm ridiculously worried we won't get it. It's too good to be true: a fenced in back yard for Sway, a driveway, washer and drier, 2 floors, 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths. It's beyond ideal for the 2 of us and 3 pets. Pretty sure we're both going to be devastated if we don't get it. 

I've had a racing heart for nearly 24 hours. 

Cross your fingers for us?

If it's meant to be, it'll work out. I'm having trouble coping with the thought that it may not be. Everything else points to it's supposed to be ours.

Holy Wow.

I.... am trying not to get my hopes up.
But my life is sort of oddly falling into place.
I intend to update you all shortly, just let me get my feet solidly on the ground first while my head's in the clouds.

In the meantime - Oscars!

Before 24

To be honest, 23 doesn’t scare me. 24 scares me. 24 just… feels old when you say it. It sounds very “adult” to me, and I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for that still. I think I’ll always just grow older, not up.

1.     Become ordained.

2.     Create a piece of art (or 7) from vintage hat boxes & luggage (as I have quite a growing collection that has little to no use other than “pretty clutter” [side goal: CUT DOWN ON CLUTTER IN MY LIFE!!]

o   Inspiration: 

o   Find a way to bring art back into my life, full time.

3.     Move into my own apartment & decorate it minimalist and from my soul (lots of unique art, less “framed snap shots”)

o   Inspiration: Caroline’s paintings (GET FRAMED!)

4.     Get fit.

o   Take Swazye on regular morning jogs

o   Back to the gym with Casey

o   Attempt a “replacement” lifestyle diet – whole wheat, less carbs, no saturated fats or high fructose sugars that aren’t directly from fruits / nature.

5.     Cook at least one meal every week that I haven’t made before.

6.      Invest in real, non hand-me-down camera equipment.

7.      Start a new, fully-thought out photo project for galleries or magazine submission.

8.      Make a spring/summer roadtrip to 200 East Commercial St, Springfield MO 65803 to meet Elsie and visit the RVA shop.

9.      Be part of something bigger

o   Rallies

o   Non-profits

10.   Perform burlesque at least once.

11.   Revamp personal style

o   Less clothes, more style

o   Invest in pieces of the same tailoring or color scheme so mixing and matching can be done cleanly, and with less closet space.

I was inspired to do this after reading Vixxen Intention's post discussing the Free People's mix and match clothing:

12.   Watch less tv.

13.   Use toy cameras more

o   Find the voice I once had in them again – the uniqueness, the avant guard I fell in love with before.

14.   Work on letting things go as quickly as I used to be able to.

15.   Plan and/or just go to California for little while.

o   Should I fall in love, don’t let anything hold me back from finding a way to stay out there. I mean who knows, I know that I hate wearing socks and places that snow 6-7 months a year. I’ve never been to Cali, and you just never know.

16.   Feel beautiful in my own skin (I suppose this flashes back to #4).

17.   Get good at being alone.

18.   Take longer and longer walks with Swayze, every day.

19.   Take more pictures just for me.

20.   Send more snailmail, both cards and care packages. Facebook is great and all, but I miss my friends from school more and more every day, and I miss the easy exchange of silly things.

21.   Start saving money for future café once I’ve found somewhere I love. [[I don't want to discuss the particulars right now, but I won't always just be a photographer, I want somewhere to call my own someday.]] I do not want to risk opportunity knocking, and not having anything squirreled away in preparation. Luck favors the prepared, after all.

22.    Find where my heart belongs. Debate settling.

23.    Learn how to change my own oil.

 

A little practical mixed in with a little personal.  A few things that require money, and few that are repurposing.  A few that were brought on by inspirational photos, and a few that are inspired by future plans.

What are a few of your goals for the next year? I'd love to hear them in the comments section!

Valentines Day

Our day consisted of me having an interview [[cross fingers for me, it's not NYC but it will at least make me money finally as long as I'm stuck here in Bing]], Original Italian subs for lunch, Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and arcade games (because apparently the Triple Cities no longer has stand-alone arcades??!), and I Love You Phillip Morris at the Art Mission Theater.

 (with our tickets combined, we won a Toy Story Rex figurine and a few plastic rings).

Hope your day was full of smiles, and you didn't take yourself [or your significant other] too seriously; that's just not what the game is about.

Today I will:

- Upload Vday photos & share our night

- Update you on my hair changes

- Finish my 23 before 24 list, as it's over a month late now (but I have accomplished at least 1 of the bulletpoints...)

- Clean house.

- Take Swayze to the park for a really long walk

- Plan the cafe of my dreams. I'm hoping it makes me feel a bit more settled in my void right now.

I just want to stay busy because I feel sort of awful and stagnant and moody today.

I think if I keep moving, and stop long enough to come back here and check off my to-do list, I'll feel a bit more accomplished and a little less useless and lonely.

Few Things:

I have the most amazing nerdy art kid Valentines Day plans in the making. Someone's gonna be a lucky girl.

Bought ridiculously black hair dye - I have intentions to shake it up again. I always go back to red, and there's no doubt I'll be back there by summer, but the weather's got me feeling very punky, so I'm going Feria' box black, with Manic Panic purple low lights (I haven't bought the purple yet because the Sally's I stopped at didn't have the shade I want - must be patient). Pretty excited for the change. 

Swayze sits, gives paw, comes to where you point, and fetches on command. Such a proud mama. A good day starts with him chewing a bone while I drink my chai, do the wordfind & read the comics, and enjoy my morning internet routine for the hour of Ellen, and not interrupt. Today was an excellent day.

Figured out my size in men's jeans. Got a stellar pair of broken-in American Eagle men's lowrise straight leg for $6 at the Salvy today. They fit my hips perfect, run a little long, and are baggier than a woman's straight leg so they're perfect for lounging. Thrilled kid? You betcha.

And lastly - I have jumped ahead of schedule & applied to mall jobs. Here's to hoping for the best, I just need to save some money that I don't have. 

Hope you're all having a stellar February & aren't a regular popsicle like me.

I've made a decision.

A big one.

My life is at a stand still right now just waiting for people to call or email back, and when they don't, I'm just wasting time. 

Personal Deadline time:

February 18th - if I haven't been contacted on a serious note or offered a job, I'm going straight to the mall and applying to retail jobs. 

If I'm not actively working in the City before the end of February, I have got to suck it up, get a shit job to have a paycheck and save some money, and keep applying just to the "good" ones, rather than the everything I apply to these days. And I need the money because I'm dying for the new iPhone for Verizon. I've been waiting years for this.

April 20th - again, if I'm not in the City by now, I will be going to a couch and hoofing it through the City until someone, anyone, hires me. 

May of 2011 - I will be in the Big City. 

If I'm not, and I've saved the money, I'm going to California. Because I've never been, and you just never know, I may have been missing out this whole time.

So there. 

In the mean time, I'm dying my hair again & doing the job hunt like usual. 

And as long as I'm killing time in Bing, I need to get back at the gym. Must call Casey this afternoon...

Just a Few Things

Interview went.... quickly. Second shortest I've ever had. I hope on top of hope that I answered the questions with what they wanted. I was, however, humiliated when I pronounced his last name wrong. I sort of feel like that was a solid nail in my coffin. I also don't think I gave adequate insight into my personality when she asked me to "tell me a little bit more about myself." I didn't answer half as honestly as I would have in, say, the first day of class with a new professor sophomore year: "I'm Shanna, I love Andy Warhol, The Beatles, Ranch dressing, and Coca Cola. I shoot with Canon for digital and prefer toy cameras to actual "modern photography." I live and die for pop culture & I've recently started dating a woman."

No, no... I told her I recently graduated, some bullshit about my senior project, and how I've been running my own business since May. I hardly sound like someone fun I'd want to even hang out with, let alone hire. Fml.

Also, my pants and feet were frozen - I made a terrible decision of not wearing boots to the interview & instead chose sneakers. NYC happened to be under slushywater that day. Should have brought my snorkel too now that I think about it.

I'll hear back by tomorrow if they want me. I sent a thank you card, I hope it helps my odds. Seriously? I'd give my left arm (and that's the expensive tatted up one) for this opportunity.

Since then, I slept on my NYCboys' air mattress, accidentally got my heart set on moving across the hall from Tony, closed Berts for the last time, got to hang out with my Pretties for the first time in a long time, made a strawberry cake, missed out on a to-die-for pair of clearance boots at Burlington I had my eye on a week ago, had a dentist appointment to deal with my front teeth finally (and two days too late - super self conscious about it at my interview), drove my car into a snow bank and a mailbox in the frozen tundra of Central New York, got a receipt for donating to the Salvy for the first time ever, and made JiffyPop on the stove.

I'm super exciting. No wonder I felt so boring at my interview.