This Life.

NYC has a way of making your life a living rollercoaster. It's way way up, and that's exhilerating, but then the drop? It's so deep, and so fast, and doesn't immediately uptick and that alone will break an average man's spirit.

Jill and I? Haven't stopped swirling around in 3 years. There's never a lull at the top. There's always a brief peek at what we can have or achieve and the glimmer of hope that goes with it, but we always have to keep in mind that the fall, that NYC's gravity, is on it's way, almost immediately. Just as soon as we get good news, we get awful news. And then that snowballs. Until it finally melts and we find ourselves content with the puddle it left, until that puddle freezes and we slip.
Only flat on our backs can we truly see the sky.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything. I just wish I could see why the stars align the way they do over dates that mean other things. Why can't the news fall on average days, where you didn't have prior engagements? Why the special ones? Why make it so difficult? I know questioning the universe is fruitless and silly, but I just can't resist.

Try, Make, Do, Finish.

I made so many things today!!!  

I'm so stinkin proud of myself. Photos to follow after I put them in the post because they're all gifts. 

I finally found things I'm good at making that aren't just photos, and that makes me feel so accomplished. Photos come easy, but making things and DIY have never been my strong suits, no matter how badly I've wanted them to be. Metal stamping gives me so many feels, and I started making water color paintings tattoo flash-sheet style. Never considered myself good at water colors, but taking my time and reminding myself that there's no wrong way to do it helps. 

I've always struggled with craft perfection -- if it didn't look exactly like something Elsie Larson did, I considered it a failure. I start something and never finish it with that sort of mentality. This year, I decided to let myself off the hook, relax a little, it's just a craft. Just make something. Just... do it to do it. It doesn't have to be for anyone else's pleasure. 

Just Make. Start to finish, just Do.

And ultimately, I found some things that give me life again. 

That's all it took. Just changing my opinion of my own skills. 

Just letting go, and Try, Make, Do, Finish. Sigh, and repeat.

Fresh Air

Today is so gorgeous, I can't even stand it. It's the perfect temperature, in the shade or in the sunshine. I spent a solid hour and a half at the park with Sway and some of our puppy friends (and their people of course). It was quiet and calm and fluffy and warm and exactly what I needed to get my head back on straight. 

A serious A.C. Moore trip happened Saturday morning because I realized last week I had several projects I wanted to pursue, but was missing just a piece or two of each to really get underway with any of them. I picked up all of my final supplies and then had to drudge through the workday rather than play. But Saturday night, I made candles. I am going to post a separate How I Did It over on the Cazzie blog (9 To 5 Daydream) because it's been sadly neglected and I have so much to share (I've been writing short stories on the train and such, and they should find a voice I think). Wicks and tiny glass mason jars are so cheap, why don't more people reuse their leftover candle wax!!? Even though I was raised on CandleLight Parties and know how to take care of my candles so they burn evenly all the way down, I still forget from time to time, or the candle quality isn't the best but the smell is, so why just toss perfectly good wax!? I made a big old mess but thankfully wax is really easy to clean up after it hardens, perfect for a cleaning procrastinator like me! I also jewelry epoxy'd a ring back together after months of it sadly sitting on my dresser in pieces. I can't wait to play with that epoxy, it's essential to non-soldering jewelers. 

Sunday, we painted the living room a dusty rose color (it's Behr's "Calico Rose") -- Jill did the hard parts and I just filled the big spaces with the roller. This was after a 7 hour crack-of-dawn floorset shift at work, so I wasn't willing to even use the step ladder at that point. Too much up-down, not enough caffeine. It adds a little dimension to our little apartment. It also makes it a littler darker, but I don't honestly mind because now at least it looks homey; the slightly darker-ness makes the room feel lived in, and not just a standard eggshell NYC apartment. It only took us 3 years...

Today I have everything I need to start teaching myself how to use watercolors. It's a medium that's always confused me - some people are SO AMAZING at it, and yet every time I've ever attempted it, my page just becomes a pool of brown and unrecognizable shapes. I'm armed with youtube tutorials and a fresh set of paints, so I'm going to give it a college try all over again today, with all of the windows open, a New Old candle burning, and the happiest sleepy sighs coming from my napping puppy on the floor. 

Next weekend will be some silk screening and fabric dying, and hopefully some talks about getting my hands on spent bullet shell casings for next to nothing for some jewelry creating. I at least reminded myself lately that creativity doesn't cost much, and it's the best way to keep myself occupied while I'm between heavy work loads. I need to be saving my pennies, but I don't want to become someone who just gets sucked into Netflix and Tumbler every day off they happen upon. That's completely unhealthy for my mind and spirit, which I need to always remind myself requires taking care of just like any other aspect of my life...

Financial Fears Are Real.

I'm a nervous wreck about money lately. And it comes in waves, so I'm making it through the day to day like a normal person but then I have to sit down and focus on buying health coverage (can we, for just a second, discuss how fucked of a concept that is??? Like how much is my health worth?) and I get an anxiety attack for the record books. I had health coverage. I was set. And then work took it away, literally with a month for me to "find" coverage on the federal marketplace that even remotely compares. And a pay cut to now pay for that new coverage with. 

Not to mention, my tax return got stolen and cashed. What in the actual fuck. I filed the last week of January, and when I still hadn't received it in the mail (DIRECT DEPOSIT FOREVER, KIDS. TAKE MY WARNING.) I got on the federal website to check its status. Status said mailed February Fucking 12th. I applied to get one reissued and got back in the mail yesterday a copy of the check, stating it was already cashed and I could appeal it but it could take months to get a new one. I basically have to prove it wasn't me that deposited it, and that the person who did wasn't given my permission. 

The check legit has my name misspelled where I should have otherwise endorsed it. And it's hand written, not even like a faked signature. The person who cashed it didn't even "sign" their name, they flat out wrote it like a second grader. HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN? I have to jump through hoops to prove it's not my handwriting, meanwhile some DUDE didn't even have to present my ID to cash MY MONEY FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. I can't even. I just can't even. Someone had better be getting fired. It never even got to my mailbox, so somewhere at the post office I got fucked once, and then again with some assbackwards bank teller.

So the moral of the story is the money I worked hard for went to someone else, in such an illegal turn of events. And yet the federal government thinks I make enough money to pay this ridiculous amount of health coverage. I am not necessarily knocking the necessity of health coverage; I am always sick when I'm not covered and I think everyone being covered is a great thing. But my problem is my bracket of income puts me above medicare aid, so my insurance options are limited at best "within" my financial means. They ask for my income history, and that's fine, but they don't take into consideration my living situation. Yes, please, take my grocery money to pay for health coverage, that's great. Because honestly, that's the only place I have "disposable" income these days. I go weeks without buying real groceries, subsisting on coffee and one real meal a day. My coworkers already make fun of me for always eating Ramen at work. Between rent, utilities, transportation to my shitty job, and credit card bills FROM NEEDING HELP COVERING THOSE THINGS ALREADY, I don't exactly have spare money just lying around dying to be put towards the possibility of needing a doctor.

I just want to run away.

The only saving grace is I might have an interview coming up. And that *might* make the ends meet. But I'm terrified to exhale any relief because it's not set in stone at all.

Pushback

Yesterday was weird. I don't usually feel out of place, at least not in recent years of figuring out who I truly am, and I usually find a way to mesh and find a comfortable level of camaraderie. But yesterday, for the first time, I felt legitimately (and backhandedly) judged. For just being unapologetically me. For things that I've never felt were out of place. 

The short list:

Wanting to foster dogs simply because my happiest place on earth is surrounded by dogs. But then

"Why don't you just become a groomer? They make a whole lot of money and you'd still be surrounded by dogs!" 

-- just completely missing the point.

"Those heels! Are those 4 inches? 5?! Hussy heels oh my God I love them! They're perfectly ridiculous!"  

-- meanwhile I quite like my shoes. I wore them intentionally, and not to be intentionally ridiculous.

"We don't want our children to have tattoos, and we don't really like them ourselves, but we like to live vicariously through yours! Oh my g-- are those BREASTS!!? You need a censor bar! Why don't you go back to the tattooer and have a top put on her!??" 

-- uuuh because I like her this way. Boobs are beautiful. They do not have any reason to offend your children. Half of your kids already own a pair!

My dog doesn't know what to do around cars. He's never had to. But this weekend he had to get out of the way of cars trying to use the driveway. So I simply say 

"He has no idea what to do, he's sort of stupid." 

And the immediate reply was 

"Yeah he really is. I had to honk non stop to keep him moving away from my car. Real dumb." 

-- well you can just go kick rocks. You are not allowed to talk shit about my dog.

So anyway... just weird. Just different. I've felt out of place before, but this was even more different than that - this was like I was surrounded by likeminded people, people masquerading as liberal, who still passed judgement. Stop that, on behalf of everyone who's flying the flag of total open-minded judgement-free acceptance.

Still Alive.

I walked away from this blog a long time ago. Not really intentionally, I just didn't find time any longer to be sitting on my computer. I began dedicating my downtime elsewhere; finding less and less downtime to actually work with. 

I am foggy a lot of the time, I spend a lot of time wondering what I'm doing wrong. Missing my charmed life. Or maybe it still is, and I've fallen out of touch. Life is difficult. And I have so few reasons to feel down. I just regularly get a moping depressive cloud over me. 

And I'm trying to let it go, trying to find reasons to smile, but I'm bad at embracing the small things. I'm bad at not reverting back to being a depressive person. It's in my nature and I'm not strong enough to always push it aside. But I'm trying. 

No one will ever say I didn't try. 

Making all of the pieces come together is a daily challenge.

So I'm not saying I'm back. But I am saying hi, maybe I'll try here again too. Maybe this would help. 

Because no one reads this anymore... so maybe here's where I start over.