But Then What?

I'm left feeling like being an adult just means having the strength and energy to do all the things you wanted to grow up and do, and not having the time or money to do them simultaneously.

It works like this:

• If you have energy and time, you're not making money (me right now). 
• If you have energy and are making money, there's no time for the fun stuff. 
• And if you're making money and find yourself finally with the time, you're wiped of energy and bed and a movie is the best option. 
• If you succeed in all three, it's because you're a healthy 50something, or you've found the sweet spot post graduation. I know exactly two people who started their dream job right out of college.

I would love nothing more than to find a medium (preferably a happy one but really at this point I'm not picky) so that there's time to be young and lively, while still forging a career path. I get that Making It means making a lot of sacrifices, but what happens when there's none left to make?

What happens when you've given your all and still can't convince others to take notice? 

Where do we go from here?

How much harder does it have to get before something gives?

Does Anyone Check Up On Me?

I've moved to New York City. I continued working for B, and hating every minute of it. Started working another part time job, a bra and girdle and sex toy shop in the Bronx. I've found my calling in life: to sell sex toys to lesbians and old women who don't speak English. That job lasted all of four months total, when I decided I wanted to work for myself full time again, and not for someone that doesn't care about my skills, enthusiasm or qualifications. C'est la vie.

Which of course means I'm not really making much money, but I do my best to pay my bills on time and occasionally buy new shoes. There's a dog park across the street and new baby trees line my road. My apartment building neighbors are drug dealers, the lamp post across the road proves it with it's 116 pairs of sneakers hanging off. My actual building neighbors are mostly Spanish/Colombian/Dominican and are ridiculously nice to the awkward white girls and their puppy. They get my packages for me, actually tell me they have them by the end of the day, and don't open them, which is unexpected and nice. 

Inwood has the highest population of rats outside of a subway station in all Manhattan. There's something to be proud of. Only saw one cockroach in the apartment in 7 months (to be fair, Jill saw it, I just bought the Raid later that day). I had an internship for a while, it was a good learning experience, I suppose. I'm glad they don't really call me anymore, as the shoots tended to end with nothing for me to show for them other than exhaustion (and one time, first degree burns on my thigh), although I can't really be certain I'm done? No hard feelings. Still met and got to work with some really good people.

I've read more books in 7 months than I have in four years combined. My subway commute to the B has been 2 hours round trip, on a good day. I reduced it to just 40 minutes round trip when I take a bus to and from the Bronx, and now I don't go anywhere I don't want to (at least for the time being). I got unbelievably sick in April, and spent the entire month in a state of awake comatose-ness. It started with a run down cold, it morphed into an inability to breathe which led me to Urgent Care City MD, which led to xrays, blood work, and a CT scan. All tests were relatively negative, they wanted me to go see some GI specialist, but what would have been great would have been if they just diagnosed me with Mono the first time around. We did, however, learn that a) my blood runs like syrup b) my d-dimer numbers are off the charts and not in a good way but c) I do not, in fact, have a blood clot like those numbers suggested d) I have unaccounted-for scarring in my lungs and e) really though, I just had mono. I took antibiotics from the Dominican Republic and they had me right as rain in three days. Doctors are garbage and I no longer trust them.

Jill's family is close and visits often. There's always an excellent dinner and high brow conversation that I've always secretly craved with every meeting. And they like me. I couldn't be happier about the latter. My family has visited 1.5 times and Dad helped me hang my mirror. I have not seen a Broadway play since moving, but I'm hoping to put an end to that sooner than later. I have seen free comedy shows, free gallery shows, and a few fashion shows though so it's not all a bummer. I've even attended my first Bar Mitzvah. Also found a dancey lez-friendly gay bar ( Escuelita) and a few regular bars I enjoy frequenting on drink special nights (specifically Down The Hatch and Cafa Cana). So life, it seems, is finding a natural order and maybe, just maybe, I didn't make a horrible decision after all.

With the spare time I now find myself with, I hope to catch back up on all of the blogs I used to love, as well as the new ones I check in on whenever I have two minutes to myself (which hasn't been often, at all, until about a week ago). I miss doing DIY's and feeling inspired. I relaunched my website and hope to get more photo work in the near future. I have also become a Passion Parties consultant. I have a feeling both photos and toys will work their way back into this blog and maybe I can feel whole again by October.

I've missed you all so much.

That is all.

Edit.

This is how I look and feel after a shoot gets rained out for the second time. I need a studio.

I instead went to get stuff to make smoothies because I remembered I had a Magic Bullet in the attic that I have never once opened up since it didn't make the cut of what we needed to move to the house (this, in retrospect, is one of the best accidents ever.)

I might as well be on the informercial, I'm so amazed by how this product works.

 

 Best invention ever. And one damn delicious mixed berry smoothie.

Oh, and like that nailpolish? Miss Manning sent the *best* post-flood carepackage to myself, Swayze, Casey, & the kitties. It included a brand new bed for Sway, catnip mice for the kitties, Bacardi, tequila in a skull, M&Ms, and this lovely Essie nailpolish (her favorite color):

GPOY for the day: over.

Post-Flood

Living on my parents couch, with Swazye. Living, used loosely, but definitely not sleeping. I'm supposed to be sleeping on the couch too, but Swayze doesn't sleep well with all the commotion in the morning (not to mention any person, dog, bike or leaf that may be passing by any corner of the house), and the living room space just makes him bark like a fruitcake. I love the idea of saving some money on not paying rent or utilities, but I'm getting tired of not sleeping in a bed.

I went to a BU concert last night with some friends, all of which enjoy dubstep and dancing, so needless to say, I had a good time. Problem with electronica/dubstep, all that repetition is only enjoyable for long stretches of time if you're on copious amounts of drugs (and firsthand: probably 85% of the crowd was). We got about 2-3 rows from the dead center of the stage which was exciting because I don't usually go to concerts with people who want that like I do (crave, actually, if only for a few songs). 

Witnessed: 2 people doing lines of coke off a drivers license, 3 different people smoking spliffs in the center of the crowd, and a guy with a full-head horse mask on. 

On a solid note: Pretty Lights completely lives up to his name, the light show was delightful.  

I did, however, feel old. 23 going on 24 should not be old.

In other news, a senior photoshoot this afternoon, I'm hoping the rain doesn't ruin it (again) (as it has ruined everything else this month). I am planning on acquiring a vegan diet (not strict) once I move as it's impossible to do with Dads (delicious) cooking. [Note - I get to eat again! sort of nice to no longer be on the Ramen poor kid diet.] but in the meantime, I'm going to move salads into my lunches so I stop eating so much Arbys (you know you eat too much in the mall when the pizza guy starts your order as soon as you walk in, and on the walk back to work, the Arby's manager looks at you all fake-insulted and you have to lie and tell him you were getting lunch for your boss and you brought your lunch. Time for a change.) I need a new tattoo, I'm in serious withdrawl, so I'm looking into getting my side piece before Mexico (2 things in this sentence translate into: I need to go to the gym again, asap) (3 things if you count a few sentences back about all that Arbys). I wanted to get my chest piece next but I don't want to risk it in all the sun. (I miss the sun). I love fall, but I hate all this gloom that just hovers around Binghamton.

(I can't wait for October.)

Flood Damage.

Having lived in Binghamton my whole life, I've never experienced severe flooding in my home personally. Surrounding areas and houses always have, but not my parents' house for some reason. My new house? Underground. Record flooding, beating out the flood of 2006 that left my graduation party one big mud puddle.

We just didn't see it coming. Our basement flooded, and the landlady got the sump pump going and we were fine. At 930, Casey and I went to bed because it was nearly dry again. At 1230, our friend down the street called and woke her up, asking her if we should evacuate. In our sleepy stupor we were thinking of course not.

Thankfully we parked across the street on slightly higher ground or our cars would have floated away. There was no driveway, no road in front of our house, no backyard.... it was all one big river, knee deep. I checked the basement, and watched as our dryer sunk under the rising water, and the washing machine tipped over and promptly sunk next to it. Casey swam/jogged through the basement to the breaker box while I packed overnight bags and the animals. (Side note: this was a hilarious event, as she was doing it in just a tshirt and thong, I couldn't help but laugh at her while I held the flashlight from the top stairs). I took the kitties and Sway to my parent's house, and Casey went with Matt to his parents a few towns over. Last I heard they're fine, and made it back to work at the Children's Home this morning.

Swayze is .. jittery. He took a while to settle and sleep on the couch with me, and when I touched him hend in e jumped a little. The cats... well they haven't adjusted at all and are not getting along with Sousa. He can't stand all of these pets invading his space. Swayze took direction well, and didn't bark or freak out while trying to get across the road, he was my brave little fluff.

We potentially can't get back to the house for days, the emergency travel ban is on an hourly basis with no end in sight. Not sure if I can get home for my own computer this afternoon before the next wave of rain...

On the bright side - we're fine. And sorta dry for the time being. Keep you guys posted <3