Fresh Air

Today is so gorgeous, I can't even stand it. It's the perfect temperature, in the shade or in the sunshine. I spent a solid hour and a half at the park with Sway and some of our puppy friends (and their people of course). It was quiet and calm and fluffy and warm and exactly what I needed to get my head back on straight. 

A serious A.C. Moore trip happened Saturday morning because I realized last week I had several projects I wanted to pursue, but was missing just a piece or two of each to really get underway with any of them. I picked up all of my final supplies and then had to drudge through the workday rather than play. But Saturday night, I made candles. I am going to post a separate How I Did It over on the Cazzie blog (9 To 5 Daydream) because it's been sadly neglected and I have so much to share (I've been writing short stories on the train and such, and they should find a voice I think). Wicks and tiny glass mason jars are so cheap, why don't more people reuse their leftover candle wax!!? Even though I was raised on CandleLight Parties and know how to take care of my candles so they burn evenly all the way down, I still forget from time to time, or the candle quality isn't the best but the smell is, so why just toss perfectly good wax!? I made a big old mess but thankfully wax is really easy to clean up after it hardens, perfect for a cleaning procrastinator like me! I also jewelry epoxy'd a ring back together after months of it sadly sitting on my dresser in pieces. I can't wait to play with that epoxy, it's essential to non-soldering jewelers. 

Sunday, we painted the living room a dusty rose color (it's Behr's "Calico Rose") -- Jill did the hard parts and I just filled the big spaces with the roller. This was after a 7 hour crack-of-dawn floorset shift at work, so I wasn't willing to even use the step ladder at that point. Too much up-down, not enough caffeine. It adds a little dimension to our little apartment. It also makes it a littler darker, but I don't honestly mind because now at least it looks homey; the slightly darker-ness makes the room feel lived in, and not just a standard eggshell NYC apartment. It only took us 3 years...

Today I have everything I need to start teaching myself how to use watercolors. It's a medium that's always confused me - some people are SO AMAZING at it, and yet every time I've ever attempted it, my page just becomes a pool of brown and unrecognizable shapes. I'm armed with youtube tutorials and a fresh set of paints, so I'm going to give it a college try all over again today, with all of the windows open, a New Old candle burning, and the happiest sleepy sighs coming from my napping puppy on the floor. 

Next weekend will be some silk screening and fabric dying, and hopefully some talks about getting my hands on spent bullet shell casings for next to nothing for some jewelry creating. I at least reminded myself lately that creativity doesn't cost much, and it's the best way to keep myself occupied while I'm between heavy work loads. I need to be saving my pennies, but I don't want to become someone who just gets sucked into Netflix and Tumbler every day off they happen upon. That's completely unhealthy for my mind and spirit, which I need to always remind myself requires taking care of just like any other aspect of my life...

Financial Fears Are Real.

I'm a nervous wreck about money lately. And it comes in waves, so I'm making it through the day to day like a normal person but then I have to sit down and focus on buying health coverage (can we, for just a second, discuss how fucked of a concept that is??? Like how much is my health worth?) and I get an anxiety attack for the record books. I had health coverage. I was set. And then work took it away, literally with a month for me to "find" coverage on the federal marketplace that even remotely compares. And a pay cut to now pay for that new coverage with. 

Not to mention, my tax return got stolen and cashed. What in the actual fuck. I filed the last week of January, and when I still hadn't received it in the mail (DIRECT DEPOSIT FOREVER, KIDS. TAKE MY WARNING.) I got on the federal website to check its status. Status said mailed February Fucking 12th. I applied to get one reissued and got back in the mail yesterday a copy of the check, stating it was already cashed and I could appeal it but it could take months to get a new one. I basically have to prove it wasn't me that deposited it, and that the person who did wasn't given my permission. 

The check legit has my name misspelled where I should have otherwise endorsed it. And it's hand written, not even like a faked signature. The person who cashed it didn't even "sign" their name, they flat out wrote it like a second grader. HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN? I have to jump through hoops to prove it's not my handwriting, meanwhile some DUDE didn't even have to present my ID to cash MY MONEY FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. I can't even. I just can't even. Someone had better be getting fired. It never even got to my mailbox, so somewhere at the post office I got fucked once, and then again with some assbackwards bank teller.

So the moral of the story is the money I worked hard for went to someone else, in such an illegal turn of events. And yet the federal government thinks I make enough money to pay this ridiculous amount of health coverage. I am not necessarily knocking the necessity of health coverage; I am always sick when I'm not covered and I think everyone being covered is a great thing. But my problem is my bracket of income puts me above medicare aid, so my insurance options are limited at best "within" my financial means. They ask for my income history, and that's fine, but they don't take into consideration my living situation. Yes, please, take my grocery money to pay for health coverage, that's great. Because honestly, that's the only place I have "disposable" income these days. I go weeks without buying real groceries, subsisting on coffee and one real meal a day. My coworkers already make fun of me for always eating Ramen at work. Between rent, utilities, transportation to my shitty job, and credit card bills FROM NEEDING HELP COVERING THOSE THINGS ALREADY, I don't exactly have spare money just lying around dying to be put towards the possibility of needing a doctor.

I just want to run away.

The only saving grace is I might have an interview coming up. And that *might* make the ends meet. But I'm terrified to exhale any relief because it's not set in stone at all.

Pushback

Yesterday was weird. I don't usually feel out of place, at least not in recent years of figuring out who I truly am, and I usually find a way to mesh and find a comfortable level of camaraderie. But yesterday, for the first time, I felt legitimately (and backhandedly) judged. For just being unapologetically me. For things that I've never felt were out of place. 

The short list:

Wanting to foster dogs simply because my happiest place on earth is surrounded by dogs. But then

"Why don't you just become a groomer? They make a whole lot of money and you'd still be surrounded by dogs!" 

-- just completely missing the point.

"Those heels! Are those 4 inches? 5?! Hussy heels oh my God I love them! They're perfectly ridiculous!"  

-- meanwhile I quite like my shoes. I wore them intentionally, and not to be intentionally ridiculous.

"We don't want our children to have tattoos, and we don't really like them ourselves, but we like to live vicariously through yours! Oh my g-- are those BREASTS!!? You need a censor bar! Why don't you go back to the tattooer and have a top put on her!??" 

-- uuuh because I like her this way. Boobs are beautiful. They do not have any reason to offend your children. Half of your kids already own a pair!

My dog doesn't know what to do around cars. He's never had to. But this weekend he had to get out of the way of cars trying to use the driveway. So I simply say 

"He has no idea what to do, he's sort of stupid." 

And the immediate reply was 

"Yeah he really is. I had to honk non stop to keep him moving away from my car. Real dumb." 

-- well you can just go kick rocks. You are not allowed to talk shit about my dog.

So anyway... just weird. Just different. I've felt out of place before, but this was even more different than that - this was like I was surrounded by likeminded people, people masquerading as liberal, who still passed judgement. Stop that, on behalf of everyone who's flying the flag of total open-minded judgement-free acceptance.

Still Alive.

I walked away from this blog a long time ago. Not really intentionally, I just didn't find time any longer to be sitting on my computer. I began dedicating my downtime elsewhere; finding less and less downtime to actually work with. 

I am foggy a lot of the time, I spend a lot of time wondering what I'm doing wrong. Missing my charmed life. Or maybe it still is, and I've fallen out of touch. Life is difficult. And I have so few reasons to feel down. I just regularly get a moping depressive cloud over me. 

And I'm trying to let it go, trying to find reasons to smile, but I'm bad at embracing the small things. I'm bad at not reverting back to being a depressive person. It's in my nature and I'm not strong enough to always push it aside. But I'm trying. 

No one will ever say I didn't try. 

Making all of the pieces come together is a daily challenge.

So I'm not saying I'm back. But I am saying hi, maybe I'll try here again too. Maybe this would help. 

Because no one reads this anymore... so maybe here's where I start over.

2012, Yeah That Happened.

The briefest recap I can manage, commencing now:

January: 

Got sick at my own birthday party. Insanely stressed with the transfer with work, the move, the onset of mono, the apartment hunting (and otherwise agony over losing it just to find it again), then the settling in. Swayze takes everything perfectly in stride. We go see an underground concert in Brooklyn with Sammy and decide 100% we don't want to move to Brooklyn.

February: 

Such a blur. I'm met with letdowns at The B, I'm nervous about money on Jilll's side, spare time spent exploring Inwood and drowning in stress, hating my internship while giving it my all, and trying to see the positives (also Fashion Week street style shots in front of the Lincoln Center turned out to be my best work of the year).

March: 

Pick up working at E, finding out the worst of people I trusted with my happiness, and I think the bra shop is great. I learn a little Spanish. I cook a big lamb dinner for Easter with everyone as a sort of unofficial house warming. The NYC*loves starts to fall together brilliantly.

April: 

 I am so so very sick, as if I never recovered from the January stress cold. Shot first wedding of the season with Manning and I couldn't finish it due to being so sick. Decided not to take any time off from work, and end up working 48-52 hours plus commute a week between the two jobs, and paying for it with my health. No insurance, in and out of urgent care. X-ray, blood work and CT scan. No answers. Decide it's mono, still don't take time off but realize no one in any of my work situations truly cares about me. R at E convinces me to take antibiotics from the Dominican Republic. They're the only thing that helps. Last shoot for L leaves me with burns up and down my thighs from shooting in a pap pit next to a fire. Never turned in the pictures from that shoot. They weren't that good anyway.

May: 

 Completely dedicated to recouping from the month before, which meant playing catch up on everything including bills. Praying that the summer gets better in the City. M begs me to give her more hours. We have a disagreement that leaves a chip on her shoulder. Mike finds out he's leaving for Germany for the summer for an internship. We all skip Pride this year. Jill's Aunt Linda dies from cancer, and it was the saddest way to meet a lot of her family.

June:  

Started out by giving my two weeks at B to go to E "full time," where that falls through completely almost immediately. Shot wedding #2 with Manning and continue working for E but only for about 18 hours a week. Dye hair flaming anime red, fall in love with it but upkeep is obscenely high maintenance. Our neighbor tells me the red is inviting negative energy into my life. I disregard him (I probably shouldn't have). Yankee game with the whole family (for Mom's bday and Justin's graduation) and accidentally left my parents in a train station alone. Back to back to back heat waves requires us to give in and Dad buys us an air conditioner so the pets don't melt and die. The electric bill skyrockets. I successfully apply for Medicaid, but never see a doctor. I begin having really horrible pain, starting in my feet, up my shins, in both my knees, and my fingers/arms, all building upward. Apparently my body projects depression physically. I decide I desperately need a hobby.

July: 

The financial stress is to the max. Jill never gets paid on time. We apply for food stamps, again successful. I beg for more hours at E and get turned down. I spend the rest of the month applying everywhere possible. Only a place called Pink Pussycat calls back. Worked 5 hours to find out it's full time, minimum wage, overnight. Quit. Back to square one. Wedding money pays rent on time. Spend the Fourth of July with just Jill at Far Rockaway Beach drinking on the beach and listening to 50s music via Pandora. Dad sends us to dinner at a Japanese restaurant Robataya on the East Side so we double date with Gracie and Luke (this is also the first time we get to meet him - he's a sweetheart, we are instantly sold).

August: 

I enroll to work for Passion Parties, figuring it is a flexible form of additional income that won't conflict with E's schedule. I get fired for it. Bar Mitzvah in West Virginia, and meet tons of Jill's family on her Dad's side. Picked up Yankee game tickets for a game my cousins and aunt couldn't make it to, and it was a horrible experience all around. Hosted one PP with Gracie but it fills me with less than optimistic feelings. I'm too much of an idealist sometimes. Can't leave NYC because of the lease, but seriously considering leaving. No job success no money all stress. I spend my nights not working making dinner for Jill, and made every meal from scratch for a week straight. Scored two interviews at the end of the month, and I have to borrow the rent money from Mom. Hating everything.

September: 

The boys break up and Mike moves out. Back to back interviews, first with New York Fashion Week on Thursday (which I bombed AND showed up late, so I was positive they wouldn't call back), and CWC on Friday. Offered the CWC position on the spot to start ASAP. NYFW calls and wants me too, so I work both jobs for two weeks. Best experience. Made money, didn't save it. I attended the Color Run in Brooklyn with Lauren, and was inspired to sign up for next year's. Asked to redye my hair something "more natural" for work. Hate it. Katie's bridal party was stressful until the actual party. Spend time with Jill's family (garlic fest in Saugerties, grandparents make us lobster at their house, and later that month take us to dinner and the MET to see the Warhol exhibit), and we hang out with Gracie as much as possible because she has decided to move to Denver in December.

October: 

 In a broke bind (again) by October's rent. Mike starts back at CWC and Gracie leaves much earlier than planned (and the going away party at Blockheads, everyone is super sweet to Jill). Steady feelings of losing my identity and discovering a completely different side of me at the same time. Mike hosts a PP with me. Katie's bachelorette party in PA was a blast, and the stage is set for the wedding. I fall in love with Tarrytown after a perfect Halloween get together with the NYC*loves: cemetery (Jill fell), Horsefeathers pub, parade, street fair, haunted hallows [with the scary tree man], and loved spending time with Gracie and Annie. Mike gets evicted but the new apartment isn't ready yet, so he spends the next 5 day/nights with us. Hurricane Sandy hits and all three of us are stranded uptown for three straight days. No work (screwed up the biggest floorset of the year), Halloween parade in West Village gets cancelled, more inconvenienced than anything as we were perfectly safe from the storm way uptown. We watched a shitton of Netflix because we were lucky enough to not lose power. Dyed hair pink. Went to the Liffy for Halloween.

November: 

 I started Nov with an epic hangover, both literally and figuratively. They cancel the NYC Marathon. Mike settles into his new place, and I had my first IKEA experience. Katie got married and it was absolutely perfect. I wrote a good speech and got to see old friends. Nostalgia and being an adult mixed with an open bar. Jill worked for MC for a week, and I was jealous I didn't. Made Apple Sauce for the first time. Friendsgiving at Christina's apartment was lovely and we made new friends. Dad got upset about us not coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas (between the wedding the week before Thanks, and retail around Christmas, it was impossible). Work cut hours so severley I began aggressively job hunting again. Had an interview for an internship with Go-Studios in the Penthouse. Didn't get it.

December: 

Hours continue to get cut due to low holiday sales (a devastating hurricane will do that). Tried to see the tree lighting at Rockefeller, never again. Got yelled at by the cops for moving a barricade. Went home and watched it on tv. I stopped taking the pill, as that started the most horrible chain of reactions emotionally and physically. Felt a lot like I went crazy. Jill continued to love me, to my constant disbelief. Booked us last minute Dave Matthews Band concert tickets (via Groupon!) for Jill; after some Jersey Transit chaos we have a great time. Went home for Family Christmas the 15th and get to see everyone, especially preggo Eliz. Everyone gets along smashingly well with Jill (this was her first encounter, an overwhelming experience to anyone). Had dinner with Jill's grandparetns at a fancy organic place in the Clousiers. The world doesn't end of the 21st, New Yorkers didn't care. A smaller world ends on the 21st, J loses her baby. Chanukah was spent with Jill's grandparents in the City, they gave me sushi gelt. Christmas Eve was spent with Wendy and her boyfriend Alex. We buy their couch for $200. Our apartment suddenly looks adult. We plan the living room with Mike. Christmas Day was spent with the White Plains gang, and it's a quiet lovely affair. Aunt Ellen gets me a pink pj union suit. New Years Eve found us alllll the way upstate with Jill's Mom's side of the family. Swayze proves he's a really great dog among a lifetime's worth of small dogs. There's a snowstorm and we don't have to do anything about it. It was the best vacation an overworked and underpaid couple of 20somethings could have asked for.

This year has been such a blur, I'm forever thankful for my notes app where I could compile the important stuff as I remembered it. This year is the first year EVER that I don't have a list of goals or plans or necessary accomplishments.

I'm working on relaxing and not overplanning things, so I am taking the plan-making slowly this year.