This Life.

NYC has a way of making your life a living rollercoaster. It's way way up, and that's exhilerating, but then the drop? It's so deep, and so fast, and doesn't immediately uptick and that alone will break an average man's spirit.

Jill and I? Haven't stopped swirling around in 3 years. There's never a lull at the top. There's always a brief peek at what we can have or achieve and the glimmer of hope that goes with it, but we always have to keep in mind that the fall, that NYC's gravity, is on it's way, almost immediately. Just as soon as we get good news, we get awful news. And then that snowballs. Until it finally melts and we find ourselves content with the puddle it left, until that puddle freezes and we slip.
Only flat on our backs can we truly see the sky.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything. I just wish I could see why the stars align the way they do over dates that mean other things. Why can't the news fall on average days, where you didn't have prior engagements? Why the special ones? Why make it so difficult? I know questioning the universe is fruitless and silly, but I just can't resist.

Try, Make, Do, Finish.

I made so many things today!!!  

I'm so stinkin proud of myself. Photos to follow after I put them in the post because they're all gifts. 

I finally found things I'm good at making that aren't just photos, and that makes me feel so accomplished. Photos come easy, but making things and DIY have never been my strong suits, no matter how badly I've wanted them to be. Metal stamping gives me so many feels, and I started making water color paintings tattoo flash-sheet style. Never considered myself good at water colors, but taking my time and reminding myself that there's no wrong way to do it helps. 

I've always struggled with craft perfection -- if it didn't look exactly like something Elsie Larson did, I considered it a failure. I start something and never finish it with that sort of mentality. This year, I decided to let myself off the hook, relax a little, it's just a craft. Just make something. Just... do it to do it. It doesn't have to be for anyone else's pleasure. 

Just Make. Start to finish, just Do.

And ultimately, I found some things that give me life again. 

That's all it took. Just changing my opinion of my own skills. 

Just letting go, and Try, Make, Do, Finish. Sigh, and repeat.

Fresh Air

Today is so gorgeous, I can't even stand it. It's the perfect temperature, in the shade or in the sunshine. I spent a solid hour and a half at the park with Sway and some of our puppy friends (and their people of course). It was quiet and calm and fluffy and warm and exactly what I needed to get my head back on straight. 

A serious A.C. Moore trip happened Saturday morning because I realized last week I had several projects I wanted to pursue, but was missing just a piece or two of each to really get underway with any of them. I picked up all of my final supplies and then had to drudge through the workday rather than play. But Saturday night, I made candles. I am going to post a separate How I Did It over on the Cazzie blog (9 To 5 Daydream) because it's been sadly neglected and I have so much to share (I've been writing short stories on the train and such, and they should find a voice I think). Wicks and tiny glass mason jars are so cheap, why don't more people reuse their leftover candle wax!!? Even though I was raised on CandleLight Parties and know how to take care of my candles so they burn evenly all the way down, I still forget from time to time, or the candle quality isn't the best but the smell is, so why just toss perfectly good wax!? I made a big old mess but thankfully wax is really easy to clean up after it hardens, perfect for a cleaning procrastinator like me! I also jewelry epoxy'd a ring back together after months of it sadly sitting on my dresser in pieces. I can't wait to play with that epoxy, it's essential to non-soldering jewelers. 

Sunday, we painted the living room a dusty rose color (it's Behr's "Calico Rose") -- Jill did the hard parts and I just filled the big spaces with the roller. This was after a 7 hour crack-of-dawn floorset shift at work, so I wasn't willing to even use the step ladder at that point. Too much up-down, not enough caffeine. It adds a little dimension to our little apartment. It also makes it a littler darker, but I don't honestly mind because now at least it looks homey; the slightly darker-ness makes the room feel lived in, and not just a standard eggshell NYC apartment. It only took us 3 years...

Today I have everything I need to start teaching myself how to use watercolors. It's a medium that's always confused me - some people are SO AMAZING at it, and yet every time I've ever attempted it, my page just becomes a pool of brown and unrecognizable shapes. I'm armed with youtube tutorials and a fresh set of paints, so I'm going to give it a college try all over again today, with all of the windows open, a New Old candle burning, and the happiest sleepy sighs coming from my napping puppy on the floor. 

Next weekend will be some silk screening and fabric dying, and hopefully some talks about getting my hands on spent bullet shell casings for next to nothing for some jewelry creating. I at least reminded myself lately that creativity doesn't cost much, and it's the best way to keep myself occupied while I'm between heavy work loads. I need to be saving my pennies, but I don't want to become someone who just gets sucked into Netflix and Tumbler every day off they happen upon. That's completely unhealthy for my mind and spirit, which I need to always remind myself requires taking care of just like any other aspect of my life...

Financial Fears Are Real.

I'm a nervous wreck about money lately. And it comes in waves, so I'm making it through the day to day like a normal person but then I have to sit down and focus on buying health coverage (can we, for just a second, discuss how fucked of a concept that is??? Like how much is my health worth?) and I get an anxiety attack for the record books. I had health coverage. I was set. And then work took it away, literally with a month for me to "find" coverage on the federal marketplace that even remotely compares. And a pay cut to now pay for that new coverage with. 

Not to mention, my tax return got stolen and cashed. What in the actual fuck. I filed the last week of January, and when I still hadn't received it in the mail (DIRECT DEPOSIT FOREVER, KIDS. TAKE MY WARNING.) I got on the federal website to check its status. Status said mailed February Fucking 12th. I applied to get one reissued and got back in the mail yesterday a copy of the check, stating it was already cashed and I could appeal it but it could take months to get a new one. I basically have to prove it wasn't me that deposited it, and that the person who did wasn't given my permission. 

The check legit has my name misspelled where I should have otherwise endorsed it. And it's hand written, not even like a faked signature. The person who cashed it didn't even "sign" their name, they flat out wrote it like a second grader. HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN? I have to jump through hoops to prove it's not my handwriting, meanwhile some DUDE didn't even have to present my ID to cash MY MONEY FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. I can't even. I just can't even. Someone had better be getting fired. It never even got to my mailbox, so somewhere at the post office I got fucked once, and then again with some assbackwards bank teller.

So the moral of the story is the money I worked hard for went to someone else, in such an illegal turn of events. And yet the federal government thinks I make enough money to pay this ridiculous amount of health coverage. I am not necessarily knocking the necessity of health coverage; I am always sick when I'm not covered and I think everyone being covered is a great thing. But my problem is my bracket of income puts me above medicare aid, so my insurance options are limited at best "within" my financial means. They ask for my income history, and that's fine, but they don't take into consideration my living situation. Yes, please, take my grocery money to pay for health coverage, that's great. Because honestly, that's the only place I have "disposable" income these days. I go weeks without buying real groceries, subsisting on coffee and one real meal a day. My coworkers already make fun of me for always eating Ramen at work. Between rent, utilities, transportation to my shitty job, and credit card bills FROM NEEDING HELP COVERING THOSE THINGS ALREADY, I don't exactly have spare money just lying around dying to be put towards the possibility of needing a doctor.

I just want to run away.

The only saving grace is I might have an interview coming up. And that *might* make the ends meet. But I'm terrified to exhale any relief because it's not set in stone at all.

Pushback

Yesterday was weird. I don't usually feel out of place, at least not in recent years of figuring out who I truly am, and I usually find a way to mesh and find a comfortable level of camaraderie. But yesterday, for the first time, I felt legitimately (and backhandedly) judged. For just being unapologetically me. For things that I've never felt were out of place. 

The short list:

Wanting to foster dogs simply because my happiest place on earth is surrounded by dogs. But then

"Why don't you just become a groomer? They make a whole lot of money and you'd still be surrounded by dogs!" 

-- just completely missing the point.

"Those heels! Are those 4 inches? 5?! Hussy heels oh my God I love them! They're perfectly ridiculous!"  

-- meanwhile I quite like my shoes. I wore them intentionally, and not to be intentionally ridiculous.

"We don't want our children to have tattoos, and we don't really like them ourselves, but we like to live vicariously through yours! Oh my g-- are those BREASTS!!? You need a censor bar! Why don't you go back to the tattooer and have a top put on her!??" 

-- uuuh because I like her this way. Boobs are beautiful. They do not have any reason to offend your children. Half of your kids already own a pair!

My dog doesn't know what to do around cars. He's never had to. But this weekend he had to get out of the way of cars trying to use the driveway. So I simply say 

"He has no idea what to do, he's sort of stupid." 

And the immediate reply was 

"Yeah he really is. I had to honk non stop to keep him moving away from my car. Real dumb." 

-- well you can just go kick rocks. You are not allowed to talk shit about my dog.

So anyway... just weird. Just different. I've felt out of place before, but this was even more different than that - this was like I was surrounded by likeminded people, people masquerading as liberal, who still passed judgement. Stop that, on behalf of everyone who's flying the flag of total open-minded judgement-free acceptance.

Still Alive.

I walked away from this blog a long time ago. Not really intentionally, I just didn't find time any longer to be sitting on my computer. I began dedicating my downtime elsewhere; finding less and less downtime to actually work with. 

I am foggy a lot of the time, I spend a lot of time wondering what I'm doing wrong. Missing my charmed life. Or maybe it still is, and I've fallen out of touch. Life is difficult. And I have so few reasons to feel down. I just regularly get a moping depressive cloud over me. 

And I'm trying to let it go, trying to find reasons to smile, but I'm bad at embracing the small things. I'm bad at not reverting back to being a depressive person. It's in my nature and I'm not strong enough to always push it aside. But I'm trying. 

No one will ever say I didn't try. 

Making all of the pieces come together is a daily challenge.

So I'm not saying I'm back. But I am saying hi, maybe I'll try here again too. Maybe this would help. 

Because no one reads this anymore... so maybe here's where I start over.

2012, Yeah That Happened.

The briefest recap I can manage, commencing now:

January: 

Got sick at my own birthday party. Insanely stressed with the transfer with work, the move, the onset of mono, the apartment hunting (and otherwise agony over losing it just to find it again), then the settling in. Swayze takes everything perfectly in stride. We go see an underground concert in Brooklyn with Sammy and decide 100% we don't want to move to Brooklyn.

February: 

Such a blur. I'm met with letdowns at The B, I'm nervous about money on Jilll's side, spare time spent exploring Inwood and drowning in stress, hating my internship while giving it my all, and trying to see the positives (also Fashion Week street style shots in front of the Lincoln Center turned out to be my best work of the year).

March: 

Pick up working at E, finding out the worst of people I trusted with my happiness, and I think the bra shop is great. I learn a little Spanish. I cook a big lamb dinner for Easter with everyone as a sort of unofficial house warming. The NYC*loves starts to fall together brilliantly.

April: 

 I am so so very sick, as if I never recovered from the January stress cold. Shot first wedding of the season with Manning and I couldn't finish it due to being so sick. Decided not to take any time off from work, and end up working 48-52 hours plus commute a week between the two jobs, and paying for it with my health. No insurance, in and out of urgent care. X-ray, blood work and CT scan. No answers. Decide it's mono, still don't take time off but realize no one in any of my work situations truly cares about me. R at E convinces me to take antibiotics from the Dominican Republic. They're the only thing that helps. Last shoot for L leaves me with burns up and down my thighs from shooting in a pap pit next to a fire. Never turned in the pictures from that shoot. They weren't that good anyway.

May: 

 Completely dedicated to recouping from the month before, which meant playing catch up on everything including bills. Praying that the summer gets better in the City. M begs me to give her more hours. We have a disagreement that leaves a chip on her shoulder. Mike finds out he's leaving for Germany for the summer for an internship. We all skip Pride this year. Jill's Aunt Linda dies from cancer, and it was the saddest way to meet a lot of her family.

June:  

Started out by giving my two weeks at B to go to E "full time," where that falls through completely almost immediately. Shot wedding #2 with Manning and continue working for E but only for about 18 hours a week. Dye hair flaming anime red, fall in love with it but upkeep is obscenely high maintenance. Our neighbor tells me the red is inviting negative energy into my life. I disregard him (I probably shouldn't have). Yankee game with the whole family (for Mom's bday and Justin's graduation) and accidentally left my parents in a train station alone. Back to back to back heat waves requires us to give in and Dad buys us an air conditioner so the pets don't melt and die. The electric bill skyrockets. I successfully apply for Medicaid, but never see a doctor. I begin having really horrible pain, starting in my feet, up my shins, in both my knees, and my fingers/arms, all building upward. Apparently my body projects depression physically. I decide I desperately need a hobby.

July: 

The financial stress is to the max. Jill never gets paid on time. We apply for food stamps, again successful. I beg for more hours at E and get turned down. I spend the rest of the month applying everywhere possible. Only a place called Pink Pussycat calls back. Worked 5 hours to find out it's full time, minimum wage, overnight. Quit. Back to square one. Wedding money pays rent on time. Spend the Fourth of July with just Jill at Far Rockaway Beach drinking on the beach and listening to 50s music via Pandora. Dad sends us to dinner at a Japanese restaurant Robataya on the East Side so we double date with Gracie and Luke (this is also the first time we get to meet him - he's a sweetheart, we are instantly sold).

August: 

I enroll to work for Passion Parties, figuring it is a flexible form of additional income that won't conflict with E's schedule. I get fired for it. Bar Mitzvah in West Virginia, and meet tons of Jill's family on her Dad's side. Picked up Yankee game tickets for a game my cousins and aunt couldn't make it to, and it was a horrible experience all around. Hosted one PP with Gracie but it fills me with less than optimistic feelings. I'm too much of an idealist sometimes. Can't leave NYC because of the lease, but seriously considering leaving. No job success no money all stress. I spend my nights not working making dinner for Jill, and made every meal from scratch for a week straight. Scored two interviews at the end of the month, and I have to borrow the rent money from Mom. Hating everything.

September: 

The boys break up and Mike moves out. Back to back interviews, first with New York Fashion Week on Thursday (which I bombed AND showed up late, so I was positive they wouldn't call back), and CWC on Friday. Offered the CWC position on the spot to start ASAP. NYFW calls and wants me too, so I work both jobs for two weeks. Best experience. Made money, didn't save it. I attended the Color Run in Brooklyn with Lauren, and was inspired to sign up for next year's. Asked to redye my hair something "more natural" for work. Hate it. Katie's bridal party was stressful until the actual party. Spend time with Jill's family (garlic fest in Saugerties, grandparents make us lobster at their house, and later that month take us to dinner and the MET to see the Warhol exhibit), and we hang out with Gracie as much as possible because she has decided to move to Denver in December.

October: 

 In a broke bind (again) by October's rent. Mike starts back at CWC and Gracie leaves much earlier than planned (and the going away party at Blockheads, everyone is super sweet to Jill). Steady feelings of losing my identity and discovering a completely different side of me at the same time. Mike hosts a PP with me. Katie's bachelorette party in PA was a blast, and the stage is set for the wedding. I fall in love with Tarrytown after a perfect Halloween get together with the NYC*loves: cemetery (Jill fell), Horsefeathers pub, parade, street fair, haunted hallows [with the scary tree man], and loved spending time with Gracie and Annie. Mike gets evicted but the new apartment isn't ready yet, so he spends the next 5 day/nights with us. Hurricane Sandy hits and all three of us are stranded uptown for three straight days. No work (screwed up the biggest floorset of the year), Halloween parade in West Village gets cancelled, more inconvenienced than anything as we were perfectly safe from the storm way uptown. We watched a shitton of Netflix because we were lucky enough to not lose power. Dyed hair pink. Went to the Liffy for Halloween.

November: 

 I started Nov with an epic hangover, both literally and figuratively. They cancel the NYC Marathon. Mike settles into his new place, and I had my first IKEA experience. Katie got married and it was absolutely perfect. I wrote a good speech and got to see old friends. Nostalgia and being an adult mixed with an open bar. Jill worked for MC for a week, and I was jealous I didn't. Made Apple Sauce for the first time. Friendsgiving at Christina's apartment was lovely and we made new friends. Dad got upset about us not coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas (between the wedding the week before Thanks, and retail around Christmas, it was impossible). Work cut hours so severley I began aggressively job hunting again. Had an interview for an internship with Go-Studios in the Penthouse. Didn't get it.

December: 

Hours continue to get cut due to low holiday sales (a devastating hurricane will do that). Tried to see the tree lighting at Rockefeller, never again. Got yelled at by the cops for moving a barricade. Went home and watched it on tv. I stopped taking the pill, as that started the most horrible chain of reactions emotionally and physically. Felt a lot like I went crazy. Jill continued to love me, to my constant disbelief. Booked us last minute Dave Matthews Band concert tickets (via Groupon!) for Jill; after some Jersey Transit chaos we have a great time. Went home for Family Christmas the 15th and get to see everyone, especially preggo Eliz. Everyone gets along smashingly well with Jill (this was her first encounter, an overwhelming experience to anyone). Had dinner with Jill's grandparetns at a fancy organic place in the Clousiers. The world doesn't end of the 21st, New Yorkers didn't care. A smaller world ends on the 21st, J loses her baby. Chanukah was spent with Jill's grandparents in the City, they gave me sushi gelt. Christmas Eve was spent with Wendy and her boyfriend Alex. We buy their couch for $200. Our apartment suddenly looks adult. We plan the living room with Mike. Christmas Day was spent with the White Plains gang, and it's a quiet lovely affair. Aunt Ellen gets me a pink pj union suit. New Years Eve found us alllll the way upstate with Jill's Mom's side of the family. Swayze proves he's a really great dog among a lifetime's worth of small dogs. There's a snowstorm and we don't have to do anything about it. It was the best vacation an overworked and underpaid couple of 20somethings could have asked for.

This year has been such a blur, I'm forever thankful for my notes app where I could compile the important stuff as I remembered it. This year is the first year EVER that I don't have a list of goals or plans or necessary accomplishments.

I'm working on relaxing and not overplanning things, so I am taking the plan-making slowly this year.

Christmas Gifts

Did you enjoy your Thanksgiving with family? (Or, such as in my case, family you got to choose?) 

If you answered yes, then fantastic!! I'm so happy you did. I know I did.

Did you then enjoy Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday & find every gift for everyone on your list at a respectable price, at a place that pays their workers respectable wages? 

If you answered No to that last question, not only am I not surprised, but I have a solution!

I am setting up an Etsy account (at least it's in in the immediate plans for the end of November) to produce holiday greeting cards and prints of NYC. A real look at monuments, happenings, and in general just turning a fine art eye'd lens on the City I fall more and more in love with every day. 

This post feels snotty. I am in a really weird in-between mood, and for the first time in my entire life, it isn't because of the holiday season. I'm hoping for a silver lining, an extra bright star, some sort of sign that I'm making some solid decisions for once. I'm awfully tired of instability and inconsistency, so, again, as always when I'm in these moods, I turn to my entrepreneur nature.

Here's to hoping. Check back here soon for when I get the Etsy up and running!

MBFW NYFW 2012 Spring2013

Nothing terrifically personal pertaining to MBFW because I'm not really supposed to BUT, this stuff happened and it was pretty cool:

Orientation, as we were leaving, Sarah Jessica Parker was going into the Lincoln Center.

Fashion Week had started.

I scanned tickets for 

the Fashion Law Institute presentation

Noon by Noor

Rebecca Minkoff

-

Tracy Reese

Erickson Beamon

Diane Von Furstenberg

Timo Weiland

-

Joy Cioci

Farah Angsama

Angel Sanchez

-

Brandon Sun

Badgley Mischka

Vera Wang

Naeem Khan

-

Fotini

Whitney Eve

Clover Canyon

and got to hang out during the Vivienne Tam, Milly by Michelle Smith, J. Mendel, Carlos Miele, Carolina Herrera, Zang Toi and Nicole Miller. I did actually get to see the Clover Canyon Presentation on the last night, right before it closed down. All other shows I got to watch live stream from the lobby if I wasn't checking in other about-to-happen shows.

Various interesting people sighted: 

Nicki Hilton at two different shows, Maya, all of the Fashion Police folks including Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers, Kelly Osbourne, Kimora Lee Simmons, Whitney (the designer from The City) and a slew of my favorite bloggers Keiko Lynn, Leandra Medine (aka the Man Repeller), and Claire Geist (who is, by the way, the sweetest thing. I might have fan geeked out a little when the other scanner with me was letting her in, and she acknowledged me without having the slightest clue who I was and that really stuck with me). There was also a handful of people I recognized but couldn't put names to (the usual).

People we stopped and shouldn't have:

I did in fact stop Kelly Cutrone, yes THE Kelly Cutrone. Woops. She wasn't wearing her pass, and I was just doing my job without quite realizing I should have committed more reality tv to memory beforehand.
... and Nina Garcia, although to be fair, as soon as two of us and the security guard realized she was being stopped, we stepped in immediately!

At one point, the kiosks for self check in went down. That was 0 fun at all.
However I loved the Fashion GPS system used to ticket people, it was efficient and quick and relatively simple to use. I had someone explain all the different ways it was used in the industry and it sort of amazed me. Who would have thought GPS systems could catalog so well? Mine barely gets me to White Plains without getting me lost.

I loved every minute of working fashion week, I would love to do it again and/or actually go see a show next time around. I definitely realized how much I like doing guest services and could get used to doing it more often. I'll be looking around for various opportunities now that I've got this under my belt.

Finally: I wore this

Sock bun (first attempt wasn't too bad, and worked out most days)

 Urban Outfitters dress, Betsey Johnson blazer, and Forever 21 flats that you can't see...

MBFW NYC 2013

Things I want to blog about: My experiences working Fashion Week

Things I'm not really allowed to blog about: My experiences working Fashion Week.

So in other news, I saw Sarah Jessica Parker yesterday. 

I wasn't officially working so I think that's safe to say...

Weekend According to my iPhone

From top left:

Post-Fashion Week interview in Bryant Park

My good luck kitty on my way to Friday's interview

Coldwater interview outfit

Art Critic Cop sticker, seen in the A train station (an inside Inwood joke)

Swayze stressing out a bird in the petstore while waiting to buy food

Armani Dresses, seen from the M66 bus

Lauren, pumped and ready to go at 5am Saturday

Dawn.

Keeping my camera dust-free with the Color Run bandanas

Pink station take 1 & 2

Lauren and Co. at the Finish line (Color Extravaganza I believe was the team name)

A color war at the main stage

Lauren's hair post-run

The rest of my Saturday afternoon light reading (September is the best.)

Let's discuss the swimsuit I borrowed to enjoy the pool in (the skirt, primarily)

But really, such a hard life at the gated community pool

Margarita on the rocks

Caviar and cream cheese

Jumbo shrimp

Cooked lobstah dinnah

Jill sporting her new haircut and a lobster bib (<3 span="span">)

My Weekend Kicked Your Weekends' Ass.

There's no doubt in my mind. The only people who's weekend even came close were those who got to partake in the first Annual Martini Walk in Downtown Bing and then the Big Ball Tourny (my bestie's weekend came in close second).

On Thursday, I had a mildly horrifying interview with the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week people for a guest services job (right up my ally) but I don't entirely expect to hear back from them. After moping around the City for the day, Jill more or less convinced me to come to the opening night of the play she's stage manager'ing: The Last Yankee, by Arthur Miller. It was excellent. Post small show, the weather was perfect and we decided to walk to a further train stop and take in some of Midtown. I fell in love with the City all over again, some nights when the tourists are few and the lights are bright, I don't know, it all feels possible again. 

Friday found me up and ready extra early for another interview, this time with Coldwater Creek, where Mike used to work and Gracie still is. The interview went super quick, and she just kept asking me why they didn't hire me sooner (I've applied twice in two years so hell if I know).  And then offered me a job, on the spot. I couldn't have been more excited, and it couldn't have come at a better time (Ok, yes I would have liked it to come two weeks ago, but better late than never).
To deal with my excitement, I grabbed some celebratory sushi across the street and waited for Gracie to finish up the last hour of her shift so we could go home together. On the walk past Central Park on the West side, we literally rubbed shoulders with Tina Fey. She was *rightthere* and time slowed down and I had to grab Gracie's arm to be reassured I wasn't seeing things. First celebrity sighting, only took me 8 months! Awesome.
After relaxing and gathering myself a bit, I headed over to the East Side to meet with Lauren and everyone at Anne's, who I finally met after having heard all about and seen pictures of through mutual friends. She was closer to Brooklyn, and that's where we were headed at 5am the next morning for the Color Run, the Happiest 5K on the Planet!

The Color Run was amazing to watch, I definitely want to do it next year (well, walk the majority of it) - it's where you get teams together in all white to run through stations of color. It's not quite a paint, it's more of colored dust that gets puffed up everywhere around and on you and tye-dyes you as you run through the stations. It's absolutely ridiculous and I was so glad Lauren had asked me to come photograph it for her. Running through clouds of colored dust with a nice camera isn't really anyone's idea of a good time unless they're properly covered, and no ones was, so I found myself in some great side line spots to catch all the action. After watching them try to get it off (not to mention looking like rainbow bums when we stopped at a Dunkin on the way home) I was sort of thrilled I had such a small role to play in the day, but I can't shake the feeling of wanting to be part of it for real next year.
As soon as I got home, I passed out like the dead from exhaustion and the heat. Left the rest of the afternoon to do what it wanted without me.  

Sunday found Jill and I on our way to Eastchester to spend the afternoon with her grandparents. They hooked us up with bloody mary's and wine as soon as we got there, which turned into margaritas, followed by Brooklyn Brews with dinner. There's no way to turn that down on a lazy Sunday.
Sammy met up with us for a bit to enjoy the pool, but mostly Jill and I lounged poolside just catching up. It's been a busy week for us and we haven't had a lot of quality time; taking in some sun and actually smiling was a huge improvement. August hasn't been kind to us, the happy break from reality was well deserved.
We returned to the house to caviar, jumbo shrimp, and freshfresh lobster. Just got totally spoiled. This week we will be back to Ramen and bagels, so we soaked up every flavor of luxury. I felt re-energized and recharged, and couldn't have asked for a sweeter way to end the weekend.

Today, it's back to business. I have a lot of loose ends to wrap up for this month, as well as get prepped and ready (aka wardrobe shop) for work (!!). 

 

All in all, the best kind of long weekend. 

(pictures to come in the next post)

Make that 2 interviews

I have one tomorrow at 11am and another Friday at 1230. 

I have nothing to wear. 

That's the most worrisome thought right now. 

The one tomorrow may or may not have something to do with this place:

No complaints, only looking up.

Looking Forward

I am obsessed with the feeling of fall right now. So much so that I wear long sleeves out the door before realizing it's still 80+ out some days, just because I've been looking at so many fall colors and pictures on Tumblr and re-reading old blog posts. It's my favorite time of year, and my NYC cuties are already planning October trips full of pumpkin patches, midnight graveyard tours in Sleepy Hollow, and scarves. I miss my boots. I miss my tights and leggings. I miss my not worrying about my super pale skin being blinding (I'm a snow leopard. Obviously.). I want to make new memories and new reasons to feel nostalgic for this time.

My friends and I have been having such a rough August that September and fall can't come soon enough. There's a breeze of change blowing over NYC right now, and I feel it in my bones that something great is brewing for my loved ones, even through the pain that August has been putting us all through (distance from our loves, breakups, loss of employment, financial struggle, the list feels never ending as of late).

This week though, 

it feels like things might actually be happening. 

I have my first ever Passion Party with Miss Lou. Every time she tells someone she's throwing a "sex toy and tea party," they instantly geek out a little; for reference, Miss Lou has always come off as reserved and not one to cuss or discuss intimate topics like sex, and she's definitely not one to go into in depth details about her own sex life. That, however, doesn't mean our Miss Lou is the most pure of pure, and she gets a deviant little smile whenever she confirms the party. I cannot wait to see her guests reactions, as well as their buying intentions, at the party tomorrow. Today, I have to put the finishing touches on my presentation, and get the little surprises for doorprizes taken care of (not to mention, rehearse the games a little more so I don't muddle the directions all up). I really want to get my running around errands taken care of, but UPS is taking their sweet time getting here today, putting a damper on my leaving-the-apartment plans...

I also have an interview on Friday that requires me to look professional and polished, something I haven't had to be in months, if ever really. I am planning on my JCrew blazer that I haven't worn out yet ($8 at Goodwill with tags still attached, score.) and maybe a dress? I doubt it, some black pants will probably bode better in my favor, but of the pairs I own, they seem to have seen better days. And until a paycheck gets into my account, I can't afford to spend any money on new outfit pieces at the moment (man, I can't wait until I can though - new clothes and tattoos for the back to school season, please! I miss when my mom took care of all this 'need new stuff' stuff. Sometimes I hate being an adult). Any good suggestions for pulling a less than polished wardrobe together to fool a future employer into thinking I can dress like that every day, from an otherwise unpolished closet? Once I am making consistent money again, I'd be thrilled to invest in clothes I don't feel shabby wearing.

I also sincerely miss posting photos. I take so many with my phone, but then I'm always too lazy to plug my phone into my computer and download them. I'll try to rehash good old blogging habits sooner than later. In the meantime, you should follow my instagram, as that's where everything goes immediately: Shannamckay !

Here's to hoping something pans out the way I'm hoping for finally. I need all the good juju you've got lying around for me - thank you oh so much in advance.

But Then What?

I'm left feeling like being an adult just means having the strength and energy to do all the things you wanted to grow up and do, and not having the time or money to do them simultaneously.

It works like this:

• If you have energy and time, you're not making money (me right now). 
• If you have energy and are making money, there's no time for the fun stuff. 
• And if you're making money and find yourself finally with the time, you're wiped of energy and bed and a movie is the best option. 
• If you succeed in all three, it's because you're a healthy 50something, or you've found the sweet spot post graduation. I know exactly two people who started their dream job right out of college.

I would love nothing more than to find a medium (preferably a happy one but really at this point I'm not picky) so that there's time to be young and lively, while still forging a career path. I get that Making It means making a lot of sacrifices, but what happens when there's none left to make?

What happens when you've given your all and still can't convince others to take notice? 

Where do we go from here?

How much harder does it have to get before something gives?

Does Anyone Check Up On Me?

I've moved to New York City. I continued working for B, and hating every minute of it. Started working another part time job, a bra and girdle and sex toy shop in the Bronx. I've found my calling in life: to sell sex toys to lesbians and old women who don't speak English. That job lasted all of four months total, when I decided I wanted to work for myself full time again, and not for someone that doesn't care about my skills, enthusiasm or qualifications. C'est la vie.

Which of course means I'm not really making much money, but I do my best to pay my bills on time and occasionally buy new shoes. There's a dog park across the street and new baby trees line my road. My apartment building neighbors are drug dealers, the lamp post across the road proves it with it's 116 pairs of sneakers hanging off. My actual building neighbors are mostly Spanish/Colombian/Dominican and are ridiculously nice to the awkward white girls and their puppy. They get my packages for me, actually tell me they have them by the end of the day, and don't open them, which is unexpected and nice. 

Inwood has the highest population of rats outside of a subway station in all Manhattan. There's something to be proud of. Only saw one cockroach in the apartment in 7 months (to be fair, Jill saw it, I just bought the Raid later that day). I had an internship for a while, it was a good learning experience, I suppose. I'm glad they don't really call me anymore, as the shoots tended to end with nothing for me to show for them other than exhaustion (and one time, first degree burns on my thigh), although I can't really be certain I'm done? No hard feelings. Still met and got to work with some really good people.

I've read more books in 7 months than I have in four years combined. My subway commute to the B has been 2 hours round trip, on a good day. I reduced it to just 40 minutes round trip when I take a bus to and from the Bronx, and now I don't go anywhere I don't want to (at least for the time being). I got unbelievably sick in April, and spent the entire month in a state of awake comatose-ness. It started with a run down cold, it morphed into an inability to breathe which led me to Urgent Care City MD, which led to xrays, blood work, and a CT scan. All tests were relatively negative, they wanted me to go see some GI specialist, but what would have been great would have been if they just diagnosed me with Mono the first time around. We did, however, learn that a) my blood runs like syrup b) my d-dimer numbers are off the charts and not in a good way but c) I do not, in fact, have a blood clot like those numbers suggested d) I have unaccounted-for scarring in my lungs and e) really though, I just had mono. I took antibiotics from the Dominican Republic and they had me right as rain in three days. Doctors are garbage and I no longer trust them.

Jill's family is close and visits often. There's always an excellent dinner and high brow conversation that I've always secretly craved with every meeting. And they like me. I couldn't be happier about the latter. My family has visited 1.5 times and Dad helped me hang my mirror. I have not seen a Broadway play since moving, but I'm hoping to put an end to that sooner than later. I have seen free comedy shows, free gallery shows, and a few fashion shows though so it's not all a bummer. I've even attended my first Bar Mitzvah. Also found a dancey lez-friendly gay bar ( Escuelita) and a few regular bars I enjoy frequenting on drink special nights (specifically Down The Hatch and Cafa Cana). So life, it seems, is finding a natural order and maybe, just maybe, I didn't make a horrible decision after all.

With the spare time I now find myself with, I hope to catch back up on all of the blogs I used to love, as well as the new ones I check in on whenever I have two minutes to myself (which hasn't been often, at all, until about a week ago). I miss doing DIY's and feeling inspired. I relaunched my website and hope to get more photo work in the near future. I have also become a Passion Parties consultant. I have a feeling both photos and toys will work their way back into this blog and maybe I can feel whole again by October.

I've missed you all so much.

That is all.

Edit.

This is how I look and feel after a shoot gets rained out for the second time. I need a studio.

I instead went to get stuff to make smoothies because I remembered I had a Magic Bullet in the attic that I have never once opened up since it didn't make the cut of what we needed to move to the house (this, in retrospect, is one of the best accidents ever.)

I might as well be on the informercial, I'm so amazed by how this product works.

 

 Best invention ever. And one damn delicious mixed berry smoothie.

Oh, and like that nailpolish? Miss Manning sent the *best* post-flood carepackage to myself, Swayze, Casey, & the kitties. It included a brand new bed for Sway, catnip mice for the kitties, Bacardi, tequila in a skull, M&Ms, and this lovely Essie nailpolish (her favorite color):

GPOY for the day: over.

Post-Flood

Living on my parents couch, with Swazye. Living, used loosely, but definitely not sleeping. I'm supposed to be sleeping on the couch too, but Swayze doesn't sleep well with all the commotion in the morning (not to mention any person, dog, bike or leaf that may be passing by any corner of the house), and the living room space just makes him bark like a fruitcake. I love the idea of saving some money on not paying rent or utilities, but I'm getting tired of not sleeping in a bed.

I went to a BU concert last night with some friends, all of which enjoy dubstep and dancing, so needless to say, I had a good time. Problem with electronica/dubstep, all that repetition is only enjoyable for long stretches of time if you're on copious amounts of drugs (and firsthand: probably 85% of the crowd was). We got about 2-3 rows from the dead center of the stage which was exciting because I don't usually go to concerts with people who want that like I do (crave, actually, if only for a few songs). 

Witnessed: 2 people doing lines of coke off a drivers license, 3 different people smoking spliffs in the center of the crowd, and a guy with a full-head horse mask on. 

On a solid note: Pretty Lights completely lives up to his name, the light show was delightful.  

I did, however, feel old. 23 going on 24 should not be old.

In other news, a senior photoshoot this afternoon, I'm hoping the rain doesn't ruin it (again) (as it has ruined everything else this month). I am planning on acquiring a vegan diet (not strict) once I move as it's impossible to do with Dads (delicious) cooking. [Note - I get to eat again! sort of nice to no longer be on the Ramen poor kid diet.] but in the meantime, I'm going to move salads into my lunches so I stop eating so much Arbys (you know you eat too much in the mall when the pizza guy starts your order as soon as you walk in, and on the walk back to work, the Arby's manager looks at you all fake-insulted and you have to lie and tell him you were getting lunch for your boss and you brought your lunch. Time for a change.) I need a new tattoo, I'm in serious withdrawl, so I'm looking into getting my side piece before Mexico (2 things in this sentence translate into: I need to go to the gym again, asap) (3 things if you count a few sentences back about all that Arbys). I wanted to get my chest piece next but I don't want to risk it in all the sun. (I miss the sun). I love fall, but I hate all this gloom that just hovers around Binghamton.

(I can't wait for October.)

Flood Damage.

Having lived in Binghamton my whole life, I've never experienced severe flooding in my home personally. Surrounding areas and houses always have, but not my parents' house for some reason. My new house? Underground. Record flooding, beating out the flood of 2006 that left my graduation party one big mud puddle.

We just didn't see it coming. Our basement flooded, and the landlady got the sump pump going and we were fine. At 930, Casey and I went to bed because it was nearly dry again. At 1230, our friend down the street called and woke her up, asking her if we should evacuate. In our sleepy stupor we were thinking of course not.

Thankfully we parked across the street on slightly higher ground or our cars would have floated away. There was no driveway, no road in front of our house, no backyard.... it was all one big river, knee deep. I checked the basement, and watched as our dryer sunk under the rising water, and the washing machine tipped over and promptly sunk next to it. Casey swam/jogged through the basement to the breaker box while I packed overnight bags and the animals. (Side note: this was a hilarious event, as she was doing it in just a tshirt and thong, I couldn't help but laugh at her while I held the flashlight from the top stairs). I took the kitties and Sway to my parent's house, and Casey went with Matt to his parents a few towns over. Last I heard they're fine, and made it back to work at the Children's Home this morning.

Swayze is .. jittery. He took a while to settle and sleep on the couch with me, and when I touched him hend in e jumped a little. The cats... well they haven't adjusted at all and are not getting along with Sousa. He can't stand all of these pets invading his space. Swayze took direction well, and didn't bark or freak out while trying to get across the road, he was my brave little fluff.

We potentially can't get back to the house for days, the emergency travel ban is on an hourly basis with no end in sight. Not sure if I can get home for my own computer this afternoon before the next wave of rain...

On the bright side - we're fine. And sorta dry for the time being. Keep you guys posted <3

!!!!!

I'm re-doing my website!

And I got a couple gig offers!

And a few models are interested in my next gallery project!

And I'm working 40 hours a week at the B, plus another 25 minimum I'm putting in behind the scenes for business!

But that's good because I need the money, I'm going to Mexico in November!!

I sleep really well because I'm always so exhausted by the time I hit the pillow!

And I'm sorry I always ignore this blog so much these days!!

I'm not sorry for excessive exclamation point usage!!!

There's so much to be excited about, I love the fall season; I get reinvigorated to not let my talent and ambition go to waste!